So pregnancy, is a beautiful thing. I mean, I’m growing a HUMAN. Unconsciously, with no effort or skill on my part, my body is building a human being. It’s a miracle. But it’s hard, y’all. I know several women who would do anything to be where I am, and don’t get me wrong, I am BEYOND thankful that God has blessed us with a healthy pregnancy and baby so far, especially with my long-winded list of mysterious health issues. But all of the “You’re glowing!” and “You will LOVE being pregnant” stuff, that’s just like not always the case…
I’m on my 6 month now and I have to say all in all, I’ve probably had a pretty easy pregnancy comparatively, with some minor annoyances. Pretty moderate morning sickness in the first trimester, though I had terrible fatigue, braxton hicks contractions early on (which I’ve confirmed are normal in my case). And of course all of those funny and quirky symptoms that come along with pregnancy, like crying during America’s Funniest Home Videos (yes, I still watch that every Sunday) because I realize our yorkie, Fender, is probably halfway through his life and I just will NOT be able to handle it when the time comes for him to go to doggy heaven. Or the gross hot dog cravings (I mean hot dogs, really??), pregnancy brain and so on. Oh, and the opinions, the MANY unsolicited opinions.
But then there’s also all of the anxiety that comes along with the reality that you will be bringing a child into the world. As of late, I’ve had a super anxious heart about being a working mom. I want to be 100% mom. Being a mom will be my biggest priority after my faith and after my marriage. But I also feel called to work, I actually LIKE working and thrive on the challenges of building a career (don’t get me wrong, there are those days…). But what does my definition of a working mom look like? How do I and will I make it all happen and how can I give everything 100% of my effort without killing myself, because I don’t like to fail and I don’t like to do things halfway. I also have a general love/hate relationship with all things related to change.
But this is something that I can only pray about. My control-natured self wants to be proactive and make a list, or figure out child care logistics and finances, or know exactly what our new “normal” will look like. But that just can’t and will not happen, that’s life. That’s where I’m thankful for a God who knows what he’s doing FAR better than I could ever could. I can’t tell you how many times in life I find myself thanking God for not giving me something I asked for, and it’s because He clearly knows what He’s doing. I have to constantly work on having non-negotiable faith, trusting Jesus in everything, not just the things that feel out of my control. Accept His timing. Accept His ways. Accept all outcomes because I know they were divinely decided. I have been living and breathing this quote from Jesus Calling… I have to literally let it go, and let him take care of life.
“True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless what you have decided to do. It is coming to me with an open mind and heart, inviting Me to plant My desires within you.”
All of the pregnancy stresses and anxieties aside, there have been many beautiful and fun things.
At the end of every day when I get in bed, I am reminded of what’s truly happening. I feel Jack move EVERY night when I lay down (which, let’s be honest, now takes me about 15 minutes just to physically get in the bed because your abs apparently stop working when you’re pregnant, then I get all 4 pillows in their proper places only to then decide I want to lay on my OTHER side, which requires flipping over without functioning abs, repositioning all 4 pillows again, only to realize then that I need to plug my phone into my charger or I forgot to take out my contacts or I REALLY want, let me rephrase, NEED a gluten free peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of milk.) But, Jack is often the way I end my day and sometimes my very last thought, which is an incredible way to fall asleep.
It has also done amazing things for our marriage. Y’all… I’m not normally a sappy or braggy wife, but Trent is a SAINT. Like, real, honest, literal definition of saint (which according to Google is a person who is admired or venerated because of their virtue). I will never say this to his face because I like to appear like I’m an angel, but he has truly adapted the heart of servant during this whole process, which he already had to begin with. Do you know how hard it is to make a gluten free peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 11 pm at night? It’s no normal PB&J and takes like 12 specific steps, and he even cuts my sandwich in half diagonally. In all seriousness though, it’s definitely brought us closer, forced us to grow up and grow in our faith TOGETHER and seeing Trent serve me in a whole new way has made him even more attractive than he was when we met (though he DID have more hair then…). And his patience. I’m no easy girl when I’m NOT pregnant, so I mean…
Okay, and then this may just be coincidence, but our dog Henry. We all know Mr. Henry is our special one. Big heart, cutest boy ever, but a challenge in every way. However, I am telling you, he knows what’s going on and has somehow magically calmed down a million percent, like he’s prepping for baby Jack and becoming a grown up. He’s even beginning to learn spacial boundaries, like you can’t sit on humans just because you can and because you want TLC 150% of the time. Instead of putting all 23 lbs of his body weight directly on my belly in hopes of getting some couch schnuggles, he will now just rest his head on my belly and let out a big sigh, like, hey, we’ve got love for you too kid. Makes me cry… hormones…
So, all of this rambling is really just to say, though pregnancy is no walk in the park, it has been a very enlightening experience. I’ve read articles and blogs where women gush over pregnancy being amazing 100% of the time (um, for real?) and women who write from the other end of the spectrum. But I’ve found it to be like other periods of time you go through in life: a beautifully challenging journey, with ups and downs and lots of learning moments, with growing pains (literally and figuratively) and fun and special memories. And I’m sure parenting will be an even more beautiful and challenging journey.